It's Complicated

I have spent the better of part of this week thinking so much about you. I have thought how much you have hurt me, how I am different now. Not different, maybe changed. You have changed me, quite possibly forever. I think back and in my mind, the tears I have shed fill closets and rooms and houses and my skeletons are dancing together in the dark.
The noise of it all infuriates me.

I am angry and I cannot throw things because I am busy pretending to be okay and in control and words I read once, well before you, run through my mind, something I read in college, children will create their world based on what the parent is doing and get a feel for how they should feel based on what the parent is feeling and so I build towers with Jenga blocks and click tiny Lego pieces together and peek at wide open eyes through plastic brick houses because I am okay.

I am not going to say it has been all bad, because that would be rather unfair of me. I feel like saying that sometimes, though. I feel like screaming it while standing on line to pay for groceries but instead I read a magazine back to front like I have always done, only the blur of black on white is really all I see. And a few skinny girls with bad tattoos.

I am not going to say it has been all bad because without you some of the greatest moments of my life may  not have happened. These moments, these tiny fragments of time, I am learning to burn them quickly and permanently into my mind because sometimes, in the hardest of times, they are all I have to hold onto. I need to be able to stop and say but that kiss was soft and smelled of marshmallows and cold leaves. I need to be able to see the way the light reflects  in their eyes, like the whole World is suddenly possible again. I need to hear their laughter and the sound their feet make running in the sand, like the whispers of tiny strong heartbeats. Thump swish thump swish giggle laugh swish.  
So, thank you for these moments, these Joys, these dips into sheer pleasure.

 That's just it...It's complicated.

Maybe that's why I developed this thing I have for sunsets. Maybe you are the reason why I cannot keep driving sometimes and have to pull over. I have a spot, you know. No one really knows about it and it's not very hidden at all, but it's convenient and quick and open and wide and available and it allows me to stop without taking too much Time, because if there is one thing I know for sure, you have taught me that Time waits for no one. But I stop, and I make my whole world wait and I just sit there and watch the sky and sip coffee and inhale nicotine into my lungs because fuck you, Time, I am. 

I never noticed the setting sun until this year, really. Not the way I notice it now. Not the way I see it this year. It is this incredibly chaotic yet beautifully simple process that happens so fast that unless you stop, you  miss it. It will have happened, sure, but not for you. It will have happened in spite of you. And that is what I love about it. The sky lights up, it burns and churns cotton candy clouds and paints charcoal trees and then-
black.
Every single night this happens.
It is the single most predictable thing in the World, the sun rises and the sun sets. It's simple, really. Chaotic, yes, but rather uncomplicated.

I love the Uncomplicatedness of it all.

It is the opposite of you. You were complicated. You have left me here, unable to put into words exactly how I feel about you. Because I am angry and because I am okay and because I am scared and because I am joyful and because when it's this chaotic it is difficult to paint pictures with words and letters and periods and italics because none of them are right and none of them quite fit what swirls inside my head like acid wine.

I suppose the appropriate thing to do is say goodbye. So, goodbye.
I will be the bigger person and say Thank You, though. Thank you for all the beautiful moments. For all my sweet kisses and long mornings in bed and rain on the roof and ocean waves and sandcastles and great conversations and autumn breezes and chlorine splashes and laughter.

I have loved you and hated you and everything in between, but tonight?
Tonight as I watch the setting sun,  I will trace the scars you have left with cigarette smoke against the sky until they turn to black, and there will be no more of you 2012. There will only be 2013.

And with 2013, the whole world becomes possible again.
Chaotic maybe, but possible.
Cheers. ~

 Better late than never, but Happy New Year! Here's to Hope, Peace, Laughter, and the ability to make even the smallest of moments count big. 

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