4,383 Days

Twelve is 4, 383 days of doubt wrapped up in pride and swelling with a Love so boundless it hurts sometimes. 

Twelve is Selfish and Frustrating and Maddening rolling in Sugar. 
Twelve is Relieving and Helpful and Joyful. 
Twelve is I got This buried deep beneath holy shit what I am going to do how am I ever going to get through this? 

Twelve is carrying in my Target bags and reaching things too high for me. 


Twelve is a child who is not yet a man but definitely a boy. 

Who wants long hair and texts too much and erases them so I don't read them and wants a new pair of sneakers and hates those shorts that aren't long enough and likes a girl. No, he loves a girl. No, he doesn't care. 

Twelve is I Don't Know. 
Whatever. 
Do what you want. 
Stamp. 
Sigh. 

Twelve is that boy who sits on the swing, not to propel himself into the air and over the fence line, but to watch that girl laughing in our grass on a summer afternoon.

Who leaves dirty socks under his desk and his toothpaste in the sink and asks me to buy that shampoo that smells like cologne. And I do and I will till a hundred and one. 

Twelve is a dozen times a million moments in time that I have glanced over at him and thought how lucky am I? That this boy is mine? Whose boy is this? Is he mine? 

This boy who made me a Mother. This boy who showed me that I could, in fact, soothe someone to sleep and change diapers and remember doctor's appointments.
That I could cook dinner and wake up early for football games and know the right kind of cleats to get. 
That I could show another person the good in the world.
That I could comfort someone when things were bad. 

This boy who taught me what it is like to want to be the best at something. 
Or everything. 
This boy who tells me stories and laughs at my animated replays of my days. 
Who slams the car door too hard when he is mad. 

My first born. 
My son. 
My Pride. 
My Joy.
My Glue. 
My Heart.  
My Twelve. 

It was not until you were born that I had finally arrived. 

Twelve is a dozen Happy Birthday's and an egg carton full of wishes.
Happy Birthday. 
Wish Big. 

I Love You. ~
His birthday was actually Tuesday. But Whatever. 

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