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I have a million words strung together in a thousand ways in a hundred different places and three different mediums and none of it makes sense.
Syllables fight one another to escape my lips,my fingertips,my dreams.
I am tired.
I can't seem to fall asleep but I can't wake up, either.
My days start too late and my nights run into the early wetness of the ground beneath me and all of this happens as I blink or swallow or burn my tongue on coffee that smells of vanilla.
I am tired.
I am confused how this day is the day that this day actually is, yet meticulously counting the days left of Summer in dreadful anticipation with the nervous excitement of a fourteen year old and the agony of an old professor one year away from retirement.
I am tired.
Yet my mind races on, caught spinning in the syrupy haze of Summer, as my body hangs on to the slowness, hangs on to the Unrush of it All, gets tangled in the laughter of my children, slips on the smoothness of a Summer Day, and winces at all that's left Undone.
I am Exhausted, I am Wired, I am Thinking, I am Thoughtless, I am Reveling, I am Remembering, I am Letting Go, I am Holding On.
I
am
Tired.~
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You always manage to write pretty much how I feel these days, ha! We've been on summer hours, and this sleep late/wake late thing is coming to an end soon. I hate that I feel so guilty about it (childhood guilt playing huge role here), but hey, we're having a staycation (hubby is between work engagements for a little bit). I wish I can tell myself to enjoy this since it's all gonna be gone before I know it. But of course, I sit here and worry about how we're gonna get back on school time and how I'm gonna have to spend a week waking us all up early to prepare for it and at the same time I know that's not gonna really happen. Shit.
ReplyDeleteInstead of having a lazy Sunday morning with a super late breakfast and coffee, in a few weeks we're all gonna be up and out of the house, all bleary eyed, for Chinese school. Kiddos go, and I teach. Yeah. Not looking forward.
I'm so tired from this abnormal sleeping schedule. I'm so tired. But this time of year is weird for me. On the one hand I want to move into fall, and on the other, I don't. Too many reasons. 'Meticulously counting the days left of Summer'. Me, too.
Who's the fourteen-year-old and who's retiring?
Every summer, I affirm that I will start the "school schedule" early so we are all set to get back into that routine. The truth is, I did it once and it was the year Kayla was going into Kindergarten and Devin was going into Third and it was almost pointless because (1) My son needs help waking up the least of all of us and (2)Kayla was then assigned PM Kindergarten and I suppose ever since then I have a "what's the point" attitude on the inside, while on the outside I am already warning everyone in my family that "pretty soon we are going to start practicing our school routine in the mornings".
DeleteYeah right, Mom.
It is a weird time of year for me as well, although, increasingly I find myself saying that more and more often. Everything always feels weird to me sometimes or all the time who knows...
And ha! I am both the fourteen year old and the old professor...That was just my way of describing my mind; how it is both excited to begin fall ( like a 14 year old going into freshman year) and also dreading fall ( like an old professor ready to retire, begrudgingly dragging him or herself to school )....
xoxoxo
Okay, I feel like a dork. I must have been too tired when I read this to make that connection, when it was obviously what you meant. =)
DeleteI'm sitting here in front of the computer and all I want to write is 'I'm so tired'. I want to write an entire post about how tired I am, but I don't think I can write it as beautifully as you did, so I may just call it a night. How's that for being imperfect? After months and months of posting on Tuesdays and Fridays, I am going to break my own schedule this week. I'm so tired.
'Night. =)
Ladies, I've missed you this week. I think "I'm So Tired " is a requirement for any parent's phrase list. Why? Because I'm So Tired. And I'm jealous that your kids sleep in. Mine go to bed late and still wake up at 7. WTF? We were away this week and the sun came up and so did the kids. Vacation and the day started at 6 am if we were lucky. But it was amazing so I'm not REALLY complaining.
ReplyDeleteWe are starting the school bedtime hours this week. Kayla has been up so late all summer that I don't know how the heck we're gonna get her back to 8:30. She's very strong willed.
Anyway, just checking in and hope all is going well with you.
Cindy, I'm so glad you checked in!! You seriously had us worried! I know I'm being silly now, since of course, it's summer and you could be on vacation. We just hadn't heard from you in a tiny while and are freaking out. In other words, we missed ya!
DeleteI tried all that get back to school schedule thing. It didn't work as I had planned. School starts tomorrow, so we'll see how it goes. Happy back-to-school to you both, in a week or so!
CINDY's BACK!
Well WE missed you! Probably next time you go away, you should let one of us know because all of a sudden one day we were like...uh..where's Cindy?? Does she hate us? Is she sick? Good to know you were on vacay...and kidding, of course, you don't need to tell us your whereabouts. We'll find out anyway. *evil laughter*
ReplyDeleteHmmm...my Kayla is a never-sleeper. If I forget to set the timer on her tv she'll be up all night long. Sometimes, she just gets back up and turns it back on, or turns on the light and draws or reads or plays on her iPod Touch. It's terrible, but yet, here I sit at 5:07 am, not up early, but having not actually gone to bed yet.
So, perhaps I should start practicing what I preach.
Except, nothing would ever get done. :)
And yes, my kids? They ROCK sometimes.