On Top of Thirteen

July 10th, 1999

Yesterday it was my thirteenth wedding anniversary. Thir. Teen. Years. 


Thirteen is a teenager. Thirteen is an adolescent. Thirteen is done with elementary school, middle school, and even high school. It is the culmination of being born and everything that has happened since then and because of that.It is the process of rocking then rolling before crawling and finally walking. It is angst and it is sweet release. It is fear and it is Joy and it is pride to have made it. It is greater than  Ten, although Ten was great, because oh how good to have made it to the double digits. 


Thirteen is a  marker  that you have made it far, far away from the time which you were born, yet it's heels are dug in strong so you cannot stray from where you have come. Thirteen is a big number. When you are Thirteen it is even Bigger than Big and you are on top of the World, looking down, down where you used to be, learning and crawling and spitting and soaking up and screaming and yelling and sleeping and eating and exploring your way through this Life. 

Up here, I feel Bigger than Big on top of the World, looking back where we were, in the beginning of Us, and the smile is making my jaw ache and  my heart sing and I am not a very good singer but I am sitting on this cloud of teenagery bliss and I don't give a Fuck who hears my heart sing so I will stay up here and sing my fucking heart out. 


Because We Made It and I am so Proud.  Because I see us down there, where we used to be, and I watch us rock and roll and crawl our way around this Life and damn we did good. 

I sit here on top of  Thirteen covered with pictures and papers and scraps and bits of our past. I sit here surrounded by letters and words I have written to you or you have written to me or we have written to each other or an unborn child or no one and everyone or anyone who would listen for we had, and have, so much to say.I see us in pictures with friends and with a baby and another then another. I read words meant to comfort, meant to excite, meant to explain, meant to convey.


I am reminded of how Unconditional our Love is. I am reminded of all that we have been through. All of our Joys and all of our Sorrows and all of our Trials and Triumphs. I am reminded  how Lucky I am.  I marvel at our early innocence and I wince at our young naivety.


Suddenly, this enormous beautiful canvas of our Life stops this World from spinning beneath me, just for a second, just for a solitary split second, just long enough for me to soak up the colors and paint my insides with explosive love. 


Sometimes, in quiet reflection, I reminisce about how this all began. 
A train ticket, a crowded restaurant, our eyes meeting between a hundred people. 


Thirteen years are behind us now, like a whirlwind, like a lust driven hurricane
like slow motion laughter

Thirteen years is a milestone, a reassurance, a giant memory, a beautiful photograph. It is Young Love and Aging Wisdom. It is Knowing and Not Knowing. 


Thirteen years is Forever and Not Long at All. It shows us what Was, what Is, and what Will be. 
It feels comfortably old yet strikingly new. 


Thirteen years is Standing on the Cusp of  Everything that is  Behind us and the Whole World that  lay before Us, arms open, waiting. 

For you and for me.
For Us, to march out into our adolescence, our young childhood behind us, in pictures and scraps of paper that cover the place where we have slept for thirteen years.~


I remember thinking, I'll go on Forever only knowing I'll see you again...Do what you will, always walk where you like, your steps, do as you please, I'll back you up...
from Dave Matthews Band, I'll Back You Up, our wedding song 

Yeah, yeah, I know, barf barf, with all this lovey kissy stuff...but, seriously, I am super proud of this whole "been married for thirteen years" thing. I mean, who knew? And so, of course you had to guess, I am sharing with you our wedding song, by none other than the Dave Matthews Band, live at Giants Stadium in 2000. It is very rare that he plays this song live...

*the screen is black for a few seconds before the stage lights come up*

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